| As I've mentioned, one of the most
difficult parts of the isolation that comes with modern stay-at-home
motherhood these days is that you have almost no support. You
are the sole provider for your children's safety, nutrition,
entertainment and all other needs all day, every day. You can't
even send them outside to play with neighborhood kids since
nobody else is home and you don't know the neighbors anyway.
Also, you don't have the psychological support of having
others who are aware of your accomplishments (more on that
here), or even
just some people to talk to brainstorm about your goals and
what you'd like to accomplish.
You need to put in place two types of support systems in
your life: some help with your children, and a group of people
who can support you in your pursuit of your goals.
Get help with the kids
A glance at this chart
will highlight how psychologically unnatural and difficult
it is to bear 100% of the responsibility for all the needs
of all your children all the time. Of course we love our kids
and enjoy their company, but to not even be able to turn your
back for five minutes by sending your kids outside to play
with neighborhood children or having other trusted mothers
keep an eye on them tests the limits of psychological endurance.
You don't need a staff of nannies, but you do need some way
to get a break now and then to take a breather, work on a
project towards your personal goals, or maybe just put your
feet up and have a cup of coffee. There are a variety of ways
you could do this, and below are a few suggestions:
- If there's any way you can find a bit of extra room in
the budget, get a babysitter for a couple hours during the
day each week or enroll your kids in a "mother's day
out" program at a local church or preschool. (When
evaluating whether or not you can fit this into the budget,
remember to see it as an important priority and not a frivolous
luxury.)
- Find other women through your playgroup, a local moms
email list, etc. who might be willing to do some babysitting
bartering: you watch her kids for an afternoon each week,
she'll watch yours.
- Enforce a period of daily nap/quiet time with your children.
I've found it very helpful to have my kids on a flexible
but consistent schedule. I can use that time to re-energize
myself or even get a bit of work done towards one of my
goals (in fact, this section of the site was written during
the kids' nap time).
Create a personal board of advisors
Most CEOs have a board of directors with whom they can consult
for large decisions, and you should have one too. This is
another concept from Never Eat Alone (see Recommended
Reading) that I think is critical.
Whether you're still trying to figure out what your "blue
flame" is (more on that here)
or you're working towards a specific goal, it's no fun to
do it in isolation. Create a personal board of advisors made
up of friends and mentors to keep you motivated, offer advice
and to celebrate with you as you accomplish your goals.
I recommend that your board consist of the following people:
- Your husband: Tell him about your blue
flame, your goals, and your exciting new vision for your
life. "Sell" him on your ideas and tell him how
much his support (both physical and emotional) would mean
to you.
- Good friends: Call your friend who most
inspires you and ask if she'd be willing to talk through
your ideas with you and help motivate you to accomplish
your goals and hit your deadlines. Set a recurring date
to meet up.
- Other moms: If you currently have a
playgroup you go to, ask yourself if you're really getting
something out of it or if you just go to pass the time.
If it's the latter, seek out another group with moms who
share your interests. Most cities have some sort of mother's
email list -- subscribe to that and post a question asking
if anyone knows about a group related to your passions.
If you can't find one, create your own. There are surely
at least a few other women in your area who share your interests.
Better to have a three-mom playgroup with women with whom
you have something in common than a larger group that bores
you.
- New mentors: When creating a personal
board of advisors, don't confine the list to people you
already know. Once you've defined your interests and your
goals, consider seeking out mentors like perhaps a professor
at a local university, the author of a book, a local political
figure, or a more experienced mom whom you admire. Even
the most accomplished, well-known people enjoy the opportunity
to act as a mentor and to be around people who want to hear
what they have to say. Offer something in return, even if
it's just a cup of coffee and an eagerness to listen, and
you might be surprised at how many people will be more than
happy to meet with you.
<< Replacing Missing
Piece #2: Goals | Replacing
Missing Piece #4: Money >>
|
