This is perhaps the most difficult
of the missing pieces to replace, because it's hard to make
up for the fact that you know and trust very few people who
live near you. Playgroups and friends throughout your city are
nice, but there's nothing like walking out your door to see
children playing in the street, to have lifelong familiarity
with pretty much everyone who lives within walking distance
of your house.
We humans are social creatures. We dislike isolation and naturally
yearn to be part of a group of other people. But unless you
live in one stable, geographically small community for many
years, staying at home often means that you lose your social
identity, recognition for accomplishments, and daily opportunities
for casual adult conversation (I explain this more here).
The workforce has become the last refuge of community and socialization.
All that said, it is possible to create your own community,
and it's an essential part of being a Suburban CEO.
Put down roots
Make it a priority to put down roots. For stay-ay-home moms,
every time you move, especially if it's from one city to another,
your social network and opportunities for adult conversation
are shattered and you have to start all over again. If you
had a job you could pretty quickly meet new people at work,
but carving out a community for yourself takes time and effort,
and it starts to feel like a frustrating, Sisyphean endeavor
if you move more than once every five years or so.
If it is just not possible for your husband to get on a career
track that would allow you to stay in one place, understand
that you may have to work a little harder to build your community.
Take advantage of the internet by finding forums for likeminded
women, making an effort to email friends from other places
regularly, perhaps start a blog to keep friends throughout
the country updated with your life, etc. Also, make extra
effort to meet new people in your area once you've arrived
in a new location.
Master the art of networking
You've probably heard the term "networking" used
in business circles. It's often used as a derogatory term,
referring to disingenuous glad-handing, meeting new people
for the sole purpose of climbing the corporate ladder. Two
things to understand about networking are, 1) that, if done
well, it involves building a rich web of genuine friendships,
meeting great new people and introducing friends to one another
to the benefit of all involved. Also, 2) this not something
that's only of benefit to those in the business world; it's
actually of greater value to people outside the workforce.
I'd go so far as to say it's an essential skill.
For brevity's sake I won't go into the details of how to
build your own community through mastering the art of networking
here. I do, however, highly recommend that you read Keith
Ferrazzi's book Never Eat Alone (see Recommended
Reading). Though it's targeted at a business audience,
I think you'll quickly see how relevant the concepts are to
your life as a stay-at-home mom.
Share your accomplishments
One specific way in which the isolation we modern stay-at-home
moms face leads to lack of fulfillment is that nobody other
than your husband is aware of your accomplishments. We all
yearn to have challenges, complete them, and have others recognize
our work. I believe this is why many people would rather have
a humdrum, dead-end job than stay home -- at least at the
job they have other people around to observe the fruits of
their efforts. The challenge of being a master cookie maker
or maintaining a spotless kitchen floor is no more mundane
than the challenge of writing a progress report or creating
a client database; the reason that our society derides the
former as trivial and holds up the latter as worthy is because,
in the case of the former, no adult other than your husband
is even aware that you completed this challenge (and sometimes
he might not even notice).
In the workforce you can develop a reputation for being competent
and smart, even if your daily tasks are no amazing feat. In
the home, without a community, even the most exciting, interesting
accomplishment will not contribute to your identity or reputation
within the community. Whereas in centuries past you could
have a solid identity and well-known reputation within your
area as an amazing baker, a skilled seamstress, a loving mother,
etc., today's mother may be all those things, but she doesn't
have the added gratification of others realizing it.
It's important to recognize this so that as you begin to
set goals for yourself and seek out projects that challenge
that excite you, you'll understand the importance of sharing
the fruits of your effort with others.
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Goals >>
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