Fish on a log

[A friend suggested the other day that perhaps we should serve fish sticks at the next playdate as a fun throwback to our youth that's also easy finger food for the kids. I repost this entry from one of my old blogs as a warning to anyone who might think this is a good idea.]

I think I am now fully recovered from eating six Gordon's Fish Sticks on Sunday night. I have spent the past 36 hours trying to forget about the foreboding queasiness in my stomach that may erupt into full-scale projectile vomiting at any moment, and to distract my mind so that I don't accidentally visualize or think about fish sticks, which would definitely trigger the aforementioned projectile vomiting.

It all started when my husband and I were hungry and had run out of all of our usual dinner fare. We rummaged through the freezer and came across a box of fish sticks. Fish sticks, what fun! we thought. We'll have them with ketchup and milk, just like when we were kids! Looking back on it now it's like watching a grainy, black-and-white flashback sequence in a horror movie, where you want to jump up and yell at the screen, "Nooo, don't do it!"

I had forgotten that fish sticks are the hot dogs of the marine world. They're made with all the byproducts that are left out of the fish that sophisticated consumers unlike me purchase. I don't know exactly what the ingredient list is, but I'm sure it's something like, "Gills, eyeballs, fins, bladders," etc., all deep-fried in old oil for about ten hours.

At first I was wondering why they didn't at least try to make the sticks slightly less oil-drenched or at least put a healthy-sounding spin on it like "Good source of protein!" or "There may actually be some Omega 3's left in here!" But after seeing the recipe suggestion on the back of the box it quickly became clear that their target market is people who just don't care anymore.

The picture you see here [click to enlarge...if you dare] is what Gordon's calls "Fish on a Log." This recipe is made by combining fish sticks with Cheez Whiz and Goldfish crackers, thus creating the perfect trinity of processed foods. (Something tells me that people who actually make this recipe are going to go ahead and skip the tomato and lettuce garnish pictured in the photo.) Although, to their credit, what can you actually make out of fish sticks? I pity the intern who had the job of coming up with that one. Cans of soup can offer recipes for interesting sauces and pasta packages lend themselves to endless possibilities, but fish sticks? It was a wise man who just decided to say screw it, throw in some Cheez Whiz and Goldfish and call it a day. At least those are two ingredients you can guarantee the purchasers of fish sticks will have in their pantry.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this: don't eat fish sticks, ever. You may have fond childhood memories or some other nostalgic reason for wanting to try them once again, but don't. Your stomach and intestines will thank you.