Jen's Random Thought of the Day

The world would be a better place without the "Reply to All" button.

To the makers of YoBaby

To the people at Stonyfield Farms, makers of YoBaby yogurt:

I thought we had a deal. You would cover the baby yogurt labels with verbiage that gives the impression that each cup of yogurt is lovingly crafted by hand, made from milk of free-roaming cows who eat only whole grains and organic vegetables and mixed with the nectar of the gods; I would pretend I actually believe that. You would create a product that is actually somewhat healthy; I would pretend that I didn't notice that your margins have got to be somewhere around 80%.

So I was perusing the ingredients list on the cup of YoBaby that my son threw in my direction the other morning, and I nodded in approval as I saw that "sugar" was way down on the list, perhaps the tenth ingredient. But then, upon closer inspection, I realized that while sugar is the ninth word, it is the second ingredient.

If I didn't know from the impression you give on your label that y'all are just nice country folks with a passion for organic yogurt, I'd swear you threw in those four adjectives to describe the milk and the three to describe the sugar to mislead the casual reader of your ingredients list into believing that sugar is not a primary ingredient of your product.

In any case, I believe I now understand why my son approaches YoBaby as if it were some sort of liquefied crack rock, attempting to rip the door off of the refrigerator if I deny it to him at any meal. If my estimates are correct it has almost as much sugar as ice cream.

I would like to ask you to be a bit more upfront in your marketing in the future, perhaps changing the name of your product to SugarSludge, or maybe just putting a note in lieu of the ingredients saying something like, "Thought it was too good to be true that your kid actually likes something healthy? Yeah, it is. It's all sugar. But we pretty much own you now that you've given him a taste, so go ahead and pick up another six-pack. And don't expect to see them on sale any time soon. Bwahaha!"

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration,

Jennifer

Office haikus

Someone sent me a copy of this little book called Office Haikus yesterday, and it is killing me. Where was this when I had a job? An example:

In my cubicle
I sit; envying the dead
Two hours left to go.

And one more:

Single occupant
Bathroom is locked. Why knock? Door
Didn't lock itself.

This is the ultimate baby shower gift for a woman who's leaving the workforce to stay home with kids, or a great Christmas gift for your favorite cubicle-dweller. If you're ordering gifts from Amazon, throw this one in as well. All day yesterday I would be doing something and then think of one of the haikus I read and just randomly burst out laughing. It's hilarious.

My (missing) two cents

So I'm sitting here in the room that faces the street, jerking my head up every time I hear a car go by, planning to fly out of my house like a madwoman when I see the mail truck.

You see, my husband kindly brought me a whole bunch of stamps from the office. In a moment of naivete/inability to think clearly, I did not ask him WHY these stamps were of no use to him at the office, I simply started affixing them to my Christmas cards (which for whatever reason I put a ridiculous amount of effort into).

This morning I slid a six-inch-high stack of envelopes into the outgoing mail slot and returned home to see the number 37 on the stamps that were left on the roll. As in 37 cents. Two cents less than is required to send a letter in this country.

When I saw this I chuckled and said to myself that minor inconveniences like this are a great opportunity to remind ourselves of how many blessings we really have. No, kidding. I uttered a slew of obscenities that would make a pirate blush, damning these insufficient stamps for preventing me from spreading holiday cheer.

I wrote up a note to tape to the boxes in case I miss the mail lady, but ended up scrapping it because it read like it was written by a disorganized, slightly neurotic control freak (I wonder why): "Dear Hi postal woman ma'am [can't remember her name, not sure how to address her]. The stamps that are taped to this note are for the stack of envelopes in the left outgoing mail slot that have $0.37 stamps on them. Would you mind adding these $0.02 stamps onto them? Or if that's too much trouble you can call me at the number below and I'll come down and do it (if you have a cell phone). I would have just left them in my box but I lost the key. Again. Hence all the mail that's probably jammed in there. Sorry. Thanks! ~Jennifer".

I actually considered using some kitchen tongs to try to fish out the envelopes myself, but since I'm pretty sure that's a felony I decided against it. Because ending up in front of a federal judge for a Christmas-card-related incident just kind of sounds like something that would happen to me.

A timeless lesson about teething and alarm systems

Just got this email from a friend of mine. Made me laugh out loud.

So when we moved into our house, the previous owners had one of those ADT systems hooked up, and of course when they left they system no longer works and we didn't bother with it at all. We've had the security panel in our house just sitting there attached to the wall. Well James has a molar coming in and had been inconsolable recently. Last night was no exception, and because I was running out of ideas of ways of distracting him i let him poke on the buttons to the alarm. Each time you push one of the buttons the panel lights up and makes a nice beeping sound - James was content.

After a few minutes though a new sound emerged. A very loud ALARM sound - and I realized - holy s**t James set off the alarm! I had no idea about the system or where the hell it came from - I was guessing ADT because of the generic sign in the front of the house. Mark jumped up and looked for the origin of the sound (wires etc) while I Googled the name on the panel. Meanwhile people are coming out of their houses asking if we were ok. The sound was insane. I find a number online and call getting a menu system - keep in mind this is about 9:00pm. The recorded voice on the phone says "If you are having an emergency, press "1"". Well it seemed like an emergency right? I pushed 1. Then the lady says " If your alarm is going off Right now, push '1'" I push 1 and the phone is connected to another voicemail box.

Meanwhile Mark is up in the attic snipping wires - and then - silence. He found the actual horn that was making the noise and disconnected it. I hung up immediately so I have no idea what happens next on the ever-so-handy voicemail system that I called.

Moral of the story - stick with Tylenol during teething periods.